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  • Joke

    The most darling little girl walks into a pet shop and tugs on the clerk's sleeve.

    "Mithter", she lisps. "Do you thell widdle wabbits?"

    The clerk looks down at the ringlets, the shining tiny face full of hope, and his heart melts. He's not going to thell...er, sell...this angel a rabbit, nossir. He's going to give her a rabbit.

    "Why yes, my child. We have the cutest rabbits - brown, white and black ones. Which one would you like?"

    The cherub stands first on one leg and then the other, trying to decide. Finally she says "Mithter, I don't think my python weally giveth a thit."
    "Every betrayal begins with trust." - Brian Jacques

    "I can't predict the future, but I know that it'll be very weird." - Anonymous

    "There is nothing new under the sun." - Ecclesiastes 1:9

    "History, with all its volumes vast, hath but one page." - Lord Byron

  • #2
    That's great! It just went out to my "Joke" group address list! Naturally, proper credit was given. By the way, S.T., I think that was your shortest post ever!!
    Richard Dickinson
    Dickinson Security Management Group, LLC
    DSMG Provides a Variety of Software Products and Consulting Services to the Contract Security Industry
    www.hrdickinson.com

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by hrdickinson
      That's great! It just went out to my "Joke" group address list! Naturally, proper credit was given. By the way, S.T., I think that was your shortest post ever!!
      Nope. This is.
      Last edited by SecTrainer; 04-23-2007, 05:18 PM.
      "Every betrayal begins with trust." - Brian Jacques

      "I can't predict the future, but I know that it'll be very weird." - Anonymous

      "There is nothing new under the sun." - Ecclesiastes 1:9

      "History, with all its volumes vast, hath but one page." - Lord Byron

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by SecTrainer
        Nope. This is.
        ha ha made me laugh.....


        and i agree that was your shortest post ever.
        Its not how we die that counts.....
        Its not how we lived that counts....
        all that matters is how we saved that one life that one time by being in the right place at the right time....

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by UtahProtectionForce
          ha ha made me laugh.....


          and i agree that was your shortest post ever.
          Hee!
          "Every betrayal begins with trust." - Brian Jacques

          "I can't predict the future, but I know that it'll be very weird." - Anonymous

          "There is nothing new under the sun." - Ecclesiastes 1:9

          "History, with all its volumes vast, hath but one page." - Lord Byron

          Comment


          • #6
            Got this cute one from my sister-in-law.

            A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

            "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

            "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

            "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

            "How shocking!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. "You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

            "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

            The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest 's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed the female parrots in the cage. Immediately, the female parrots cried out in unison:

            "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

            There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.

            "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

            Enjoy,
            Bill

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by SecTrainer
              Hee!
              well now that ^ was the shortest post ever
              Its not how we die that counts.....
              Its not how we lived that counts....
              all that matters is how we saved that one life that one time by being in the right place at the right time....

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Bill Warnock
                Got this cute one from my sister-in-law.

                A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

                "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

                "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

                "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

                "How shocking!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. "You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

                "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

                The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest 's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed the female parrots in the cage. Immediately, the female parrots cried out in unison:

                "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

                There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.

                "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

                Enjoy,
                Bill
                That's going out to my joke list, Bill - with credit. Thanks!
                "Every betrayal begins with trust." - Brian Jacques

                "I can't predict the future, but I know that it'll be very weird." - Anonymous

                "There is nothing new under the sun." - Ecclesiastes 1:9

                "History, with all its volumes vast, hath but one page." - Lord Byron

                Comment


                • #9
                  Joke

                  A litle old lady goes pets store and ask the shop keeper if they had any parrots? The shop keeper replies yes ma'am and he goes to the back of the store. He returns with lovely parrot .The old lady trilled she buys the parrot on spot. The old lady takes the parrot home and sets up the parrot cage by the window,she then goes to kitchen and calls out to the parrot would little birdy like snack ? The parrot replies what you think b**** and starts calling the little old lady every drity word in the book the old lady flabbergasted calls pet shop he tell shop keeper what happen he told her to put the hood on cage for the parrot for 24 hous that should teach him he's leason. The little old lady did as shop keeper said to do. 24 hours past the little old lady took off the hood and the parrot lays into her cusing her out and how dare she keep him the dark he even try spiting on her .The little old lady is mad as hell now and call the shop again she yelling at shop keeper that she bring the bird back! The keeper like ma'am lets try one more thing before you bring him back. The old lady say she all ears what do i have to do? The shop keeper tells her put the parrot in the freezer for hour when she opens door after hour has pasted ask if learned he's lessonso after pasted hour the little old lady opens the freezer door and ask parrot have you leared your lesson? The parrot replies yes ma'am. The little old lady ask do have any questions on what can and can't do the parrot say ma'am what did the chicken do?
                  CAPTAIN KOOLAID 9594


                  oh ya

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    The same friend who sent me the joke about the parrots sent me this one.
                    One should never doubt the prowess of a Sister Mary Holy Picture. An Irish born deputy sheriff told me that with deep fondness. A small time thief grabbed a nun's rosary beads she wore on her cincture. As a former Marine officer before she entered the convent, the lad wound up on the flat of his back with her foot on his wrist. She yelled at the miscreant, "Ask for the money and if I have any it's yours, but don't dare touch the rosary." Priceless!

                    Catholic Gasoline

                    Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would
                    have it, a gas station was just a block away.

                    She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
                    attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
                    but she could wait until it was returned.

                    Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
                    walked back to her car. She looked for something in the car that she could
                    fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

                    Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

                    As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the
                    street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

                    Enjoy the day,
                    Bill

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Joke

                      There was man laying nude on the beach one day. The man saw little girl walking down the beach. The man grabs news paper and covers himself up. The little girl pasted by the man ask him Mr what have under the paper?
                      The man said none bee's wax kid. The girl asked again this time the man there bird under there now go away! Some time later the man falls sleep.
                      The man wakes up feeling most god awful pain he ever felt in his life!!!
                      The man ask where am I ,how get here ,what happen to me? A man leans over said I'm DR hallway, you are in the ER sir and the EMT bung you you here sir. But we have no idea what happen to you sir. Well a few months go by, after having many surgeries, skin grafts, psychology and physical therapy. The man goes for walk on the beach, he just so happens to see same little girl that was at beach same day when woke up in the ER. So he asked little girl what happen to him that day?The little girl say i sure do. After you feel sleep I want sneak a peek at your bird. So i left the news paper with stick. I saw the UGLIEST bird i ever saw!! I beat the bird to bloody pulp with the stick . I smashed it's eggs with rocks then I set nest on fire!!
                      CAPTAIN KOOLAID 9594


                      oh ya

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I got this one from my District Manager. It's called "Hillbilly Vasectomy" . . .

                        A hillbilly man who had a large family went to his doctor. "Doctor, I can't have any more kids!" says the man. "I just cannot afford to feed them all. What can I do?"

                        The doctor asks the man, "Have you ever thought about having a vasectomy?"

                        "I've heard of it, but don't those cost a lot of money."

                        The doctor replied that the surgery *was* fairly pricey, but offered a solution. "This is what you do. Go home and get yourself a beer bottle. Drop a cherry bomb inside and count to 10. Then call me in the morning."

                        The hillbilly man goes home to his trailer and finds himself a beer bottle. Following the doctor's orders, he drops a cherry bomb down into the bottle and starts counting on his right hand 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . .

                        He placed the bottle on the chair and continued to count on his left hand . . . 6 . . . 7 . . . 8 . . . 9 . . . ***KA-BOOM***

                        Sure enough, as the doctor had promised, the hillbilly man's child siring problem was solved.
                        The law is reason free from passion." -- Aristotle

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          OJ in Hell

                          Seems OJ Simpson died and, naturally, went straight south to the hot place. When he got there, he found the Devil in a great state of consternation.

                          "Well, OJ", said the Horned One. "I gotta problem. I have to keep you here, but the truth is I'm full up to the rafters down here. In order to keep you, I gotta let someone else go. I'll tell you what. Everyone here has their own form of punishment and I'll let you pick whose place you want to take."

                          OJ figured this was better than nothing. At least he could pick his punishment.

                          So, Satan showed him Ted Kennedy, who had to drive off a bridge into a river over and over again for eternity.

                          OJ said, "Nope - I can't swim."

                          Next, Satan showed him Adolph Hitler, who had to suffer suffocation in his own gas chambers forever, over and over without end.

                          OJ said, "Nope, I don't like that much either."

                          Finally, Satan showed him Bill Clinton, who was lying spread-eagled naked on a bed while Monica Lewinsky did...well, what Monica does best - over and over and over.

                          OJ said, "Now THAT kind of punishment I could really go for. I'll take that one"

                          ...and Satan said "Okee-dokee, OJ, you got it...and you're free to go now, Monica."
                          Last edited by SecTrainer; 10-03-2007, 05:05 PM.
                          "Every betrayal begins with trust." - Brian Jacques

                          "I can't predict the future, but I know that it'll be very weird." - Anonymous

                          "There is nothing new under the sun." - Ecclesiastes 1:9

                          "History, with all its volumes vast, hath but one page." - Lord Byron

                          Comment

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