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  • Mall Justice

    More Newsletters
    The Press Democrat
    Mall Justice Is Swift And Harsh
    By Bud Stanchion
    Mall Security Guard
    March 14, 2006 | Issue 33

    By Bud Stanchion
    Mall Security Guard
    March 16, 2006 | Issue 33

    My name is Stanchion. I walk a cruel beat. I do not work in an office cubicle or behind a counter. The promenades and boutiques of the Santa Rosa Mall are my home. I am a mall security guard.

    Don't thank me. I'm not in it for the accolades. If you just respect your fellow shoppers and throw away your cups when you're finished, that's all the thanks I need.

    Monday, 12:14 p.m. I am dispatched to Orange Julius on a disturbance call. A Caucasian woman in her early 30s is complaining about a hair in her drink. I can hear her carrying on all the way from The Sunglass Hut. But when she lays eyes on my uniform, she gets quiet real quick and starts listening to reason. She might have torn the place apart if I hadn't been there.

    Monday, 2:33 p.m. I get a report of a dog entering the mall at the Sears lower-level entrance. Arriving on the scene, I see an adult golden retriever leading a blind African-American male in his late 50s. Seeing-eye dogs are the one exception to the mall's strict no-pets rule. Crisis averted.

    I can still remember my first day on the job. It was trial by fire. Not an hour after my shift started, I exited the service corridor and saw some kids walking up the down escalator. Escalators were apparently a big joke to them. A big joke until they got a taste of mall justice, Stanchion style. I told them that if I ever saw their faces around there again, they'd better not be heading up the down escalator. That straightened them out, but good.

    I see the would-be troublemakers every day, those who would shout or litter or run. Then there are the punks who think it's funny to throw wadded-up mall maps or Arby's wrappers off the level-two balcony at helpless passersby. When they see me, a kind of resentment flares up in their eyes. They see me, and they know: Bud is here, and that garbage isn't gonna fly. Their twisted idea of "fun" is not welcome here.

    It all started when I was a young boy. Every Saturday, my mother would take me to the mall. My pulse quickened at the sight of the Kay-Bee Toy & Hobby Shop and Dream Machine video arcade. But more than anything, the mall security guards fascinated me. Their crisp uniforms, their regal bearing, that sense of purpose
    Last edited by The_Mayor; 03-14-2006, 03:00 PM.

  • #2
    Hey Mayor,

    You have a sense of humor. There is hope for you yet.

    Comment


    • #3
      Ah, the Onion.
      Some Kind of Commando Leader

      "Every time I see another crazy Florida post, I'm glad I don't work there." ~ Minneapolis Security on Florida Security Law

      Comment


      • #4
        I must say, that is a pretty accurate description of mall security.
        "We appreciate all the hard work you've done, the dedicated hours you have worked, and the lives you have saved. However, since this is your third time being late to work, we are terminating your employment here."

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by 1stWatch
          I must say, that is a pretty accurate description of mall security.
          It's spot on!
          10-8

          Comment


          • #6
            Good post, Mayor.
            Security: Freedom from fear; danger; safe; a feeling of well-being. (Webster's)

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            • #7
              im mall security.i get the girls who are supposed to be pretty tough.they are always so well behaved while im there but then i get told about all the bad stuff they get up too they dont even smoke in the no smoking zones,that i can ban them from the mall for.then theres the shoplifters that i walk into a shop they walk out,i think it might be the bright white shirt with black tie and black pants they cant miss me.

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              • #8
                After having worked mall security for four years, I would just love to irk them all just by walking into the mall with a pistol strapped on my belt and a loud stereo, walking the dog and letting him take a crap on the food court. Then I would go around giving people the finger, walk the dog the wrong way on the escalator, and dump their garbage out on the floor. On the back of my shirt I would have "rent a cops go home" printed on it.
                Just kidding.
                "We appreciate all the hard work you've done, the dedicated hours you have worked, and the lives you have saved. However, since this is your third time being late to work, we are terminating your employment here."

                Comment


                • #9
                  What?

                  Same thought.
                  Security: Freedom from fear; danger; safe; a feeling of well-being. (Webster's)

                  Comment

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