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What are the funniest thing you ever witnessed

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  • Brian
    funniest detainment ever

    was working as mall security when a call came over the radio of a shoplifter fighting a store manager. When my supervisor and I arrived we noticed that the shoplifter was about 250 pounds, and the manager an easy 320, it was like watching sumo wrestling!

    So we detained the shoplifter, with no great ease, and was told that she had snuck into the employees back room, and taken 2 $20 bills, a drivers license, a buspass, and a checkbook.

    Since we had no female officer present we did a preliminary search for weapons, and found the buspass in her waistband. So we called the police requesting a female officer for a search. While getting her vital info she decided to become cooperative, and give up the rest of the items, so we cuffed 1 hand to the bench, and she then dropped her pants, in front of God and all and you guessed it she had placed it all in the vaginal vault...while she was doing the "removing of the items the female police officer arrived laughing the whole time, telling us this is her usual method of theft.

    We were never the same.....LOL

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  • DMS 525
    I read somewhere were this idiot tried to shoplift a parrot from a pet store, and stuffed the bird down in the front of his pants. Walked out smirking like the smug SOB he was, when the parrot bit him someplace important! Security found him lying on the floor screaming! Same for some other stooge who tried to shoplift a live lobster. Same thing as the parrot thief; served them both right!

    Funniest thing I have ever seen with my own eyes was when I worked p/t for a Sears some years back. Bonehead wears this long frock coat; first thing he shoplifts is this girdle, and puts it on, over his pants but under the coat. Then he is going all over the store shoplifting and stuffing the stolen items in the girdle. When he finally left the store, we were laughing so hard at him we couldn't even tell him why we were apprehending him. PD thought that was quite a hoot, too.

    Some thought this was funny, others didn't(especially this guy I busted). Saw him shoplift some clothing and some cassette tapes. I badged him as he went out the mall entrance door. He took a swing at me, and then tried to run like Bruce Jenner. He got as far as the fountain/goldfish pond, when he fell in it! Perhaps because as I went to physically apprehend him, I 'accidentally" shoved him instead of grabbing him. I handcuff the soaked bozo, and dragged him back into the store. He's screaming at the top of his lungs for someone to call the cops, saying I tried to drown him!

    Cops thought that one was a real hoot, too, and the camera by the mall entrance door caught all the action. Knucklehead went to jail for theft in the 5th and simple assault while soaking wet in the month of March!

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  • angrybrownman
    Yet another one from Canada, from "Hotel Security's" area.

    Police Officer Guilty of Shoplifting, Sentenced to (of course) Probation

    2006-03-14 CANADA, MONTREAL - A Montreal Police officer found guilty of shoplifting a basket of groceries has been sentenced.

    41-year-old Guy Marleau has been handed a suspended sentence and one year of probation.

    In april 2002, Guy Marleau entered a Provigo grocery store in Baie D'Urfe, filled his shopping basket and left with 191 dollars worth of food.

    When confronted by the store's manager, Marleau explained he was a police officer and that he was testing the store's security system.
    He was not authorized to do that.

    Marleau was arrested and suspended without pay...

    His lawyer, Philip Schneider, says his client has been treated unfairly.

    Schneider adds his client will likely be fired by th Montreal police force and has found a job working in landscaping.

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  • angrybrownman
    This ones interesting and it happened in Canada

    Voice instructed Police Officer to shoplift, court hears


    CANADA, OTTAWA - It was good cop, bad cop as Const. Alec Moraru explained to a court the "out-of-body state" he says drove him to shoplift.

    "I was yelling at myself to stop," Moraru testified of his experience watching his hands move, seemingly of their own accord, to hide grocery items in a briefcase.

    The officer says his bizarre behaviour at a Barrhaven Loblaws on Dec. 9, 2004 was spurred by post-traumatic stress disorder brought on by the 1998 suicide of Kimberly de Snayer, a rookie cop he mentored.

    Moraru alleges police brass railroaded him into accepting responsibility for the rookie's death and forced him to admit to an affair with de Snayer that he says never happened.

    His shopping trip started out normally, but turned odd when he began smelling aftershave he'd been buying for years. His wife and others would tell him the scent he wore smelled clean, he said. "I can remember thinking I haven't felt clean in years," Moraru told the court.


    He also found himself picking up blocks of cheese, despite having some at home already.

    "I was asking myself, 'Why am I buying so much cheese? ' " he said.

    He then heard a voice in his head say, "You've been a mouse all your life. Go ahead and have your cheese."

    After the voice, it was like "a switch went on," he said. "It was like being a marionette and all of the strings got taken away and were being pulled by someone else."

    Moraru is accused of stealing several blocks of cheese, chocolate bars and bottles of aftershave from the store. He's also charged with assaulting a security guard and uttering a threat.

    He told of the agonizing stress he suffered following de Snayer's suicide and the admissions he says he was forced to make.

    Violent nightmares involving him being judged by, and then taking revenge on former deputy chief Vince Bevan and two other supervisors, plagued him, he said, as well as three-day stretches of nearly sleepless nights.

    He said he stopped socializing and became "anal" about order in his home.

    His wife, Sharon, testified that her formerly happy husband became withdrawn and angry after the suicide. In sharp contrast, Moraru became more relaxed, happier and less stressed after his arrest.

    Caught on video by store security, he flashed a badge in an apparent attempt to fend off trouble. After being taken into a store security office, he bolted from the store after learning police were being called.

    Security gave chase, but Moraru told them he had a gun and put his hand in his pocket and chased them off before fleeing in his car.

    He was arrested later that afternoon.

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  • N. A. Corbier
    There's a word for that I can't repeat here. Something or other block. I know, I've been called it.

    We used to get suspicious vehicles in our parking lots at a "high risk" property. Now, these were usually one of three things. 1. Drive by setup, 2. Some teen trying to get it on with another teen, 3. Stolen car drop-off.

    We would take a tactical approach on these vehicles, as we don't like getting shot at. Some will say, "You should of called the police, instead of doing that yourself," however, the City of Tampa Police Department noted that there was no crime, so don't call them till you know there is.

    So, that meant we got to figure out what was going on ourselves. Met more resident teens and their boyfriends or baby daddies that way.

    That, and they liked to go at it behind the bushes. No damn clue why, it wasn't like the parent were home.

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  • copelandamuffy
    One night I noticed a tractor trailer parked on the other side of the company parking lot. I went over and banged on the door to the cab of the truck.
    No answer. Banged again no answer. I finally peeked inside the cab of the
    truck. This good old boy, had picked up some sweet young honey pie, he paid
    $50 for fun and frolics. I knew what he was doing, but did ask,
    "What the heck are you doing?" His only response was:
    "Can we finish what we started" I told him to get his rig off our property

    I went back to the manufacturing plant and told the client whom
    was on site at the time. All he could do was start laughing
    He did say it probably best not to write up an Incident Report,
    but he did say he would recommend me for bravery for stopping a major
    crime going on.

    I did not hear the end of this. All the workers would kidd me as the
    mean old Security Guard who stops a man from having a good time.

    Leave a comment:

  • WhoMe?
    One night at closing my LPM and I went chasing after a lady who stole $200 worth of blue jeans. As we were running I had to dodge another customer, which pushed me into the shoe section. I had to hurdle a display of shoes, but my heavyset LPM who was right behind me didnt see that move coming and hit the waisthigh display. He was not a happy camper.

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  • FDG06
    ..had to break up a fight between a 1 legged man against a 1 armed man..they were fighting over a 1 eyed lady (she had a glass eye, but still..)..100% true story!
    I sill cant help but laugh my ass off, when I recall the whole scene.

    Leave a comment:

  • treetop
    I had a "non-shopper" that was asked to leave by one of my officers. He was verbally abusive and I came out and backed up the officer and asked him to leave the premises. He escalated his verbal abuse and punched a mall directory, i.e. was generally disruptive. I had the luxury of an option of notifying an off duty police officer that I hired for the property. By the time some of my staff and the nutcase were out in the parking lot, he retrieved a pipe he had hidden behind a parking stop, and was waving it at my staff and I while issuing threats. The police officer arrived and gave him one chance to leave. He declined, at which time he was told he was under arrest. He backed away from the officer, so I grabbed him and wrestled around, as the officer was attempting to handcuff him, unsuccessfully. We wound up in a position where I had him in a bear hug from behind, there was another security officer behind me, and another behind him. The police officer decided he needed to be maced, so when he took the mace out and aimed it - I ducked, the bad guy ducked, the officer behind me ducked, but I guess you can guess what happened to the last security officer in line - he forgot to duck! He was maced full-on in the face. We transported him to an eye wash station laying down in the back of an extended golf-cart. He was screaming, "I've been hit!! I've been hit!". You had to be there, but it was very funny and I could hear the music from the Benny Hill show in my mind. I later told the guard, "hey Bob, you forgot to duck!"

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  • Eric
    Supervisor :Here is your pay, don't spend it all in one place....
    Me :

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  • S/O245
    Now why in the world cant i have that on my shift somethin funny like dat. Everyone else gets it but me, should i cry lol j/k.

    Stay Safe All

    Originally posted by HotelSecurity
    I've had 2 stark naked prostitutes! It seems the escort agencies have advised them if they get into trouble to run out into the hallway & start yelling. Someone will call security. They do!

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  • HotelSecurity
    Welcome angrybrownman. That store wouldn't happened to be Eat*n's would it? (Or in Québec Eat*n)

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  • S/O245
    on duty at the gas station i pull into the lot and she blood hair and go oh a woman is at the counter woman turns around and is dressed like a girl would on halloween and i thought dang thats one ugly woman lol. Well as the woman got closer to the door i said that aint no woman thats a man lol. his leg hair was showin lol. when i walked in the clerk she goes did u see that lol

    Stay Safe All

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  • S/O245
    Was she hot lol had to ask sorry

    Originally posted by 1stWatch
    I chased after a shoplifter one time who had a gold necklace. At the start of the chase, she slipped out of her sandals, dropped her purse, and her wig fell off. Halfway into the chase, I grabbed her, but pulled an Alzheimers on proper grappling and ended up grabbing her sleeve instead of her elbow. The one-piece dress she was wearing ripped at the seam, she slipped out of it, and continued to run while wearing bra and panties. I caught back up to her and restrained her properly that time...
    We were nice enough to place her torn dress back on her after she was handcuffed.

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  • angrybrownman
    Funny Toronto LP Stories:

    Hey folks:

    I am new to this forum, and think the forum is a wonderful idea, I'd like to share some of my favourite and funny stories from 10 years of LP work in Toronto, Ontario Canada.

    1. When I first started working in LP, I worked for one of Toronto's busiest, and largest Department store chains. The company flagship store was located at one of the busiest intersections in Toronto. I was working the main floor of a 9 floor store. My fellow investigators had just taken a suspect to the LP office, and I was alone. I wandered into the cosmetics department to chat it up with the women who worked in the department. As I walked in I noticed a male suspect cruising the department, acting really nervous. He approached the fragrance dept. he removed a plastic bag from his pocket, and then reached into his pocket again, and removed something else that he placed in the bag to make it look like it wasn't empty. In the fragrance dept. he proceeded to the CK-1 display and immediately selected and concealed 2 bottles of CK-1 into the plastic bag. Of course he proceeded to the main doors and exited the store. Outside the store I approached him; as soon as he saw me he made a run for it, and now the chase was on. I called for back-up relayed my location and proceeded to chase the suspect across a busy intersection and down another street. I caught up to the suspect and we both began to struggle, in my attempt to arrest the subject I managed to grab the bag with the merchandise inside. I tried to gain control of the subject but he broke free and again the chase was on. As we ran I remembered my radio did not work very well this far away from the store, and the subject was running into a housing project. I decided to cut my losses and proceed back to the store. I looked in the bag, and noticed that not only was my merchandise still in the bag, but the item he had placed in the bag to act as a weight was his wallet, with of course all his ID still inside. He even had a summons to appear in court for another shoplifting charge from earlier in the week. He was charged a short time later.

    2. A couple of years later I was still working for the same store, at the same location. The city was under a major alert. The local unions had pledged a day of “Action,” against the Provincial government. In previous years this “Action,” had become very violent. The company had decided to bring in all the LP staff from the surrounding stores, and have them work the flagship store in Downtown Toronto. They were worried if a riot started the store would become a free-for-all. Imagine having a store with 67 LP investigators all on at the same time. As I cruised the store I observed a suspect select and conceal several pairs of “Guess” jeans into a gym bag. He was someone that was fairly well known to LP especially to our company as he had been arrested numerous times before. I called for back-up as he exited because he was known to run. I had all 67 investigators attend for back-up. The suspect when he exited noticed me behind him and several familiar faces from LP investigators that had arrested him in the past in front of him. He had no where to run. The suspect upon exit just fell to his knees, dropped the merchandise and said “Where the F**K did you guys come from.” He never hit any of our stores again.

    3. One of my favourite stories again comes from working for the same company. I was in our control room utilizing the pan-tilt CCTV system. I noticed a person whom I had come to know fairly well in the electronics dept. I kept the camera on him for a moment. At this time I observed him select a walkman (Day’s way before IPODS) I watched as this person whom I knew removed the earphones from the package, and placed them into his top shirt pocket. He then placed the rest of the walkman back into the box, and back on the shelf. The subject then began to leave the department and walk towards the exit. I left the control room, and had my partner follow him with the CCTV, as I followed him on foot. I watched him exit, but did not know how to approach him. He was a Toronto Police Officer in uniform. He had attended our store many times to process shoplifters. I stopped him and began to talk to him. I asked him about the earphones. He looked at me smiled and then told me to “f**k off.” I kept talking to him trying not to create a scene. He was becoming more and more verbally abusive and was creating a scene. I think he finally realized he had to come back in as I had requested. The elevator ride back to the office was some what scary I did not know if the officer was going shoot me and run for it. I couldn’t ask him for his weapon. I brought him up to the office and began to read him his rights. My partner had already placed a call to police communications when were just coming up. As I read him his rights, two gentlemen in suits came into the security office identified themselves as detectives and took the officer with them, and left. About ½ hour later I was still trying to figure out what happened when I noticed the officer I had dealt with walking the mall, on duty in uniform.

    4. A few years after that incident I was working for another retailer. They had asked me to go to a high theft location for the day and see if a fresh pair of eyes could increase the arrests at that store. Sometime in the early afternoon I noticed a male subject in the store select and conceal several watches into his pant pockets. I waited for him to leave and after passing all points of sale I approached him. He immediately began to fight as I tried to forcefully arrest him. I managed to pin him on the ground and started to cuff his hands. All of a sudden I heard “I wouldn’t do that,” followed by some swearing. I looked up and noticed 3 big guys looking down at me. I was away from the main doors at the time, and kind of hidden from plain sight. I picked up my subject removed the handcuffs, dusted him off and tried to walk away. The subject and his friends began to push me around, tried to get my wallet (left that in the office) roughed me up a bit and then wandered away. Pissed off I went back to the store. I knew by the time I called the police they would be gone. I watched as my subject and the three others joked around in the parking lot. All of a sudden the three friends walked away and my subject was alone in the parking lot. I ran from the store chased him down took some “frustration,” out on him and was in the middle of cuffing him when the police arrived. Someone had seen the commotion and called the police. The police continued the arrest, and discovered he had warrants for his arrest. (He should have left with his friends).

    5. Around Christmas, while working for the same company, I received a call from a cashier stating she had been robbed. Raced up to the register and discovered, a customer had walked up to the register and with some toothpaste. When the cashier rang up the sale and totalled the value. The subject passed the cashier some money and when the till opened the subject grabbed all the twenty’s and ran out the door. When the subject first attempted to pay he removed money from his wallet, as he grabbed the money from the till he dropped his wallet on the counter and ran. All of his ID was in his wallet, including conditions for his parole. He had been released from prison recently. He spent the rest of Christmas in jail.

    6. Last story: After spending time in this new company, and getting a considerable amount of apprehensions, including some major internal cases, I finally proved to the powers-that-be, I needed a partner. Got a partner who was a little weird, she liked working when I wasn’t working, and did not like being around very many people. I noticed her acting suspicious one day, and decided to watch her. I noticed her pick-up merchandise as she walked that would disappear. The store manager was very excited having two LP in the store, and was really happy at the arrests my partner was making. I attempted to convince my boss something suspicious was happening, but he did not believe it. So one day I set up a camera in the office. My partner brought everything and anything she could get her hands on. Once she brought it into the office she would conceal it onto herself by wearing it, or placing items into her oversized purse. I watched her do this for about 2 weeks, finally got the police to come down and arrest her. The officer that had come had looked at her and said. “I was at your house about a month ago.” She said yes you were. He then said. “I guess you just failed the background investigation.” Turns out she was pretty close to getting on the police force, until I ruined her dreams.

    These are some of my favourite stories, will share more in the future.


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