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What are the funniest thing you ever witnessed

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  • #31
    One night at closing my LPM and I went chasing after a lady who stole $200 worth of blue jeans. As we were running I had to dodge another customer, which pushed me into the shoe section. I had to hurdle a display of shoes, but my heavyset LPM who was right behind me didnt see that move coming and hit the waisthigh display. He was not a happy camper.

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    • #32
      One night I noticed a tractor trailer parked on the other side of the company parking lot. I went over and banged on the door to the cab of the truck.
      No answer. Banged again no answer. I finally peeked inside the cab of the
      truck. This good old boy, had picked up some sweet young honey pie, he paid
      $50 for fun and frolics. I knew what he was doing, but did ask,
      "What the heck are you doing?" His only response was:
      "Can we finish what we started" I told him to get his rig off our property

      I went back to the manufacturing plant and told the client whom
      was on site at the time. All he could do was start laughing
      He did say it probably best not to write up an Incident Report,
      but he did say he would recommend me for bravery for stopping a major
      crime going on.

      I did not hear the end of this. All the workers would kidd me as the
      mean old Security Guard who stops a man from having a good time.
      http://www.laurel-and-hardy.com/ Greatest Comedy team ever!

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      • #33
        There's a word for that I can't repeat here. Something or other block. I know, I've been called it.

        We used to get suspicious vehicles in our parking lots at a "high risk" property. Now, these were usually one of three things. 1. Drive by setup, 2. Some teen trying to get it on with another teen, 3. Stolen car drop-off.

        We would take a tactical approach on these vehicles, as we don't like getting shot at. Some will say, "You should of called the police, instead of doing that yourself," however, the City of Tampa Police Department noted that there was no crime, so don't call them till you know there is.

        So, that meant we got to figure out what was going on ourselves. Met more resident teens and their boyfriends or baby daddies that way.

        That, and they liked to go at it behind the bushes. No damn clue why, it wasn't like the parent were home.
        Some Kind of Commando Leader

        "Every time I see another crazy Florida post, I'm glad I don't work there." ~ Minneapolis Security on Florida Security Law

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        • #34
          This ones interesting and it happened in Canada

          Voice instructed Police Officer to shoplift, court hears


          2006-03-22




          CANADA, OTTAWA - It was good cop, bad cop as Const. Alec Moraru explained to a court the "out-of-body state" he says drove him to shoplift.

          "I was yelling at myself to stop," Moraru testified of his experience watching his hands move, seemingly of their own accord, to hide grocery items in a briefcase.

          The officer says his bizarre behaviour at a Barrhaven Loblaws on Dec. 9, 2004 was spurred by post-traumatic stress disorder brought on by the 1998 suicide of Kimberly de Snayer, a rookie cop he mentored.

          Moraru alleges police brass railroaded him into accepting responsibility for the rookie's death and forced him to admit to an affair with de Snayer that he says never happened.

          His shopping trip started out normally, but turned odd when he began smelling aftershave he'd been buying for years. His wife and others would tell him the scent he wore smelled clean, he said. "I can remember thinking I haven't felt clean in years," Moraru told the court.

          'A SWITCH WENT ON'

          He also found himself picking up blocks of cheese, despite having some at home already.

          "I was asking myself, 'Why am I buying so much cheese? ' " he said.

          He then heard a voice in his head say, "You've been a mouse all your life. Go ahead and have your cheese."

          After the voice, it was like "a switch went on," he said. "It was like being a marionette and all of the strings got taken away and were being pulled by someone else."

          Moraru is accused of stealing several blocks of cheese, chocolate bars and bottles of aftershave from the store. He's also charged with assaulting a security guard and uttering a threat.

          He told of the agonizing stress he suffered following de Snayer's suicide and the admissions he says he was forced to make.

          Violent nightmares involving him being judged by, and then taking revenge on former deputy chief Vince Bevan and two other supervisors, plagued him, he said, as well as three-day stretches of nearly sleepless nights.

          He said he stopped socializing and became "anal" about order in his home.

          His wife, Sharon, testified that her formerly happy husband became withdrawn and angry after the suicide. In sharp contrast, Moraru became more relaxed, happier and less stressed after his arrest.

          Caught on video by store security, he flashed a badge in an apparent attempt to fend off trouble. After being taken into a store security office, he bolted from the store after learning police were being called.

          Security gave chase, but Moraru told them he had a gun and put his hand in his pocket and chased them off before fleeing in his car.

          He was arrested later that afternoon.

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          • #35
            Yet another one from Canada, from "Hotel Security's" area.

            Police Officer Guilty of Shoplifting, Sentenced to (of course) Probation


            2006-03-14 CANADA, MONTREAL - A Montreal Police officer found guilty of shoplifting a basket of groceries has been sentenced.

            41-year-old Guy Marleau has been handed a suspended sentence and one year of probation.

            In april 2002, Guy Marleau entered a Provigo grocery store in Baie D'Urfe, filled his shopping basket and left with 191 dollars worth of food.

            When confronted by the store's manager, Marleau explained he was a police officer and that he was testing the store's security system.
            He was not authorized to do that.

            Marleau was arrested and suspended without pay...

            His lawyer, Philip Schneider, says his client has been treated unfairly.

            Schneider adds his client will likely be fired by th Montreal police force and has found a job working in landscaping.

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            • #36
              I read somewhere were this idiot tried to shoplift a parrot from a pet store, and stuffed the bird down in the front of his pants. Walked out smirking like the smug SOB he was, when the parrot bit him someplace important! Security found him lying on the floor screaming! Same for some other stooge who tried to shoplift a live lobster. Same thing as the parrot thief; served them both right!

              Funniest thing I have ever seen with my own eyes was when I worked p/t for a Sears some years back. Bonehead wears this long frock coat; first thing he shoplifts is this girdle, and puts it on, over his pants but under the coat. Then he is going all over the store shoplifting and stuffing the stolen items in the girdle. When he finally left the store, we were laughing so hard at him we couldn't even tell him why we were apprehending him. PD thought that was quite a hoot, too.

              Some thought this was funny, others didn't(especially this guy I busted). Saw him shoplift some clothing and some cassette tapes. I badged him as he went out the mall entrance door. He took a swing at me, and then tried to run like Bruce Jenner. He got as far as the fountain/goldfish pond, when he fell in it! Perhaps because as I went to physically apprehend him, I 'accidentally" shoved him instead of grabbing him. I handcuff the soaked bozo, and dragged him back into the store. He's screaming at the top of his lungs for someone to call the cops, saying I tried to drown him!

              Cops thought that one was a real hoot, too, and the camera by the mall entrance door caught all the action. Knucklehead went to jail for theft in the 5th and simple assault while soaking wet in the month of March!
              Never make a drummer mad; we beat things for a living!

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              • #37
                funniest detainment ever

                was working as mall security when a call came over the radio of a shoplifter fighting a store manager. When my supervisor and I arrived we noticed that the shoplifter was about 250 pounds, and the manager an easy 320, it was like watching sumo wrestling!

                So we detained the shoplifter, with no great ease, and was told that she had snuck into the employees back room, and taken 2 $20 bills, a drivers license, a buspass, and a checkbook.

                Since we had no female officer present we did a preliminary search for weapons, and found the buspass in her waistband. So we called the police requesting a female officer for a search. While getting her vital info she decided to become cooperative, and give up the rest of the items, so we cuffed 1 hand to the bench, and she then dropped her pants, in front of God and all and you guessed it she had placed it all in the vaginal vault...while she was doing the "removing of the items the female police officer arrived laughing the whole time, telling us this is her usual method of theft.

                We were never the same.....LOL

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                • #38
                  All I have to say is a 6'5" African American transvestite easily 220lbs wearing a sequence top and a very short mini skirt who decided to resist arrest after shoplifting some beer. To make it even better I am 5'7" and about 170lbs. The wig went flying, my supervisor who watched the video of it said it looked like I was beating up some gigantic woman, and after it was all said and done my work shirt was covered in black make-up which i could never get out. No way I was gonna get a tranny kick my ass.

                  Also not really funny, more disgusting but was patrolling an apt complex, saw two subjects in a vehicle "engaged", but could not see the entire situtaion because of some window fogging. Well I shined my flashlight in and saw one set of balls, moved my flashlight down and saw another set of balls, eh gads I had come across two dudes getting it on in a vehicle. After questioning them I found out they were visiting their girlfriends in the apt complex next door and had said they were going to pick up some alcohol, instead they ended up getting it on with each other in a car. I decided to leave it at that and let the g/fs find out on their own both their boyfriends were gay. haha
                  Last edited by locknid; 01-13-2007, 04:09 PM.

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                  • #39
                    We were playing around with the new camera systems at a store in a very ghetto area.

                    In walk two well dressed white teenaged kids. They are wearing hoodies from a school that is about 15 miles away. Something made me watch them.

                    We go upstairs and start watching the camera as they stroll into the alcohol section.

                    Teen 1 stands near the front of the aisle, using his piriphials to try to see whos coming from the side, he has no clue he is staring at a tampon display in front of that aisle.

                    Teen 2 starts browsing around liquior, his hands are shaking so bad that he can barely hold the bottle of Jagier that he picked up, he almost dropped it, and then accidentially spilt some Budweiser playing cards all over the place.

                    I felt like arresting him for being a dumb ass, it was funny though.

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                    • #40
                      Originally posted by Big Bulldog
                      Not so funny but really strange:

                      1) Baglady who stole a tampon and then threw her used one back on the shelf. We made her clean it up as there was no way we were touching it.

                      2) Lady who stuffed a pair of baby booties up her....well....her....vagina. Female cop found them during a strip search and was none too happy.

                      3) the old guy who liked to sniff the wall of lady's undergarments.

                      4) the old lady who tried to escape on her scooter while my partner and I held the back wheels off the ground. She couldn't figure out why she wasn't moving until she looked back and saw us.
                      Me and the wife thought it was funny.
                      Todd

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                      • #41
                        Originally posted by dla4122
                        I was running shift when I get a call from "A"-Gate that my officer had an offender detained and he needed a supervisor. I get to the area and my officer tells me he has an offender refusing to be searched. Well I inform the offender he will submit to a search, as it is policy or force may be used. He begins to argue then all of a sudden I see that he starts rubbing his lower area and getting agitated. He finally comes out of his clothes and he had a bag of jalepenos in his pants. The juice had seeped out all over his lower region.
                        Never had to use force, offender used chemical agents on himself
                        he was sent to medical and received a disciplinary for theft from the kitchen. Never had him steal anything since.

                        Me and about four co's had to take a 5150 down for refusal to comply with my orders.
                        Todd

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                        • #42
                          I have a couple...

                          1) I was the acting Supervisor on duty, and an Anchor LP agent calls over the radio stating there are people fighting in their lower Parking Lot. Myself and another Officer respond as well as others. Me and the Officer are first to arrive. Upon arrival we have about 5 females yelling and hitting each other. We start giving strong verbals to stop, and once additional units arrived began taking people into custody. I took one subject and pinned them up against the back of an SUV, and they turn at me and Say " Hey, Im a girl, let me go!" (Could've fooled me) Anyway she gets cuffed as well as most everyone else.

                          Investigation showed that it was basically a Lesbian Love Triangle. with one female bringing two of her friends and the Ex-lover bringing two of her friends. Several of the girls got hefty fines for Disorderly Conduct ($800 range)

                          2) I was on duty assigned to dispatch, when Housekeeping staff in the food court reported a Man with a Gun in the Mens Bathroom. So, I sent Officers and the Supervisor and alert the local police. Officers set up a perimeter on the bathroom and awaited for PD arrival. PD arrived and one officer brought in a Shotgun just in case. So, our supervisor advises no one has left the bathroom since the call, but sounds of movement have come from the bathroom. PD officers enter tactically, and kick open the door to the Last stall (Larger for handicapped persons) low and behold they find Not a Man with a Gun, but a 18 yr old guy doing the dirty with a 16 yr old female. The Male was arrested for an outstanding warrants and the 16 y/o had her parents contacted. Both were banned from the property for a period of time.

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                          • #43
                            This happened one morning sometime after the opening LP had arrived to start letting associates in the store and it was still very dark outside. As he's scanning the perimeter of the store he observes a homeless guy standing by the boats just outside the exit doors. The LP sees him bend down to remove a plastic bag from his pant leg and then watches as the guy stuffs the bag down the back of his pants This homeless guy starts taking a DUMP right there in the bag The LP then watches as he removes the bag...and stuffs it in his sock and leaves
                            "Life In Every Breath"

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                            • #44
                              Worked a sick leave shift at for a small retailer at an old mall. Tossing rubbish into a bin, I noticed workers were working on the UP escalator but had switched them to let people use the other to go down. 10 minutes later, a man grabs an armful of cheap shirts with free ties and ran off to go down the escalator not knowing it was switched and people were coming off. I casually approached him and asked if he had a receipt for these 30 odd shirt / tie packs ?

                              What about "WOO HOO Woman" who would come into the men's fragrances, spray under her arms and face and then lift up her skirt and go "WOO HOO" as she sprayed that part too.

                              My colleague in the USA has a CCTV tape of an idiot with a beer box on his head who tried to rob a 7/11 and when he was not heard took the box off his head right under the CCTV and thought he was being smart when he put it back on again.
                              "Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer" Sun Tzu

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                              • #45
                                I once had a guy try to explain his wife's shoplifting by telling me it was her, "time of the month," and that I should understand how crazy women get.

                                It was so stupid that I laughed so hard. That, in turn, caused the shoplifter and her husband to BOTH start crying. Well, I didn't want to get into trouble for abusing them with my laughing, so I let her go with a warning.

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