What are the funniest thing you ever witnessed

[robvancamp]

Two for ya...

Pre-Security days: I was working nightshift shipping at a large baking company. As usual I had parked my car inside as it was not a good neighborhood. About an hour after I started working, a guy walks up to me and asks me the way out. I pointed to the door and told him how to get out. He came back a minute later, and asked me again. I took him to the door myself, and opened it for him. I had noticed he had some items in his hand, but I didn't think much of it, him being the homeless type and all. 7am the next morning I discovered it was my car stereo and speakers he had had in his hand - AND I LET HIM OUT!!!

Security: We had had a garbage truck come onto the property, the kind that empty dumpsters. We have only one roadway around the property, and you have to pass under several buildings to drive around the property. His forks had been too high, and he ripped out the sprinkler system under the first building. He waited for his supervisor to arrive, and when the supervisor got there, he noticed the height clearance was 13 feet.

"Is that clearance right?' he asked me
"Yes," I replied
"You sure?" He asked.
"Actually, it's more than thirteen feet," I replied.
He looked at the sprinkler system, and said to me "It looks like someone has put new piping in there recently. I think this may be on you guys."
"It is new piping," I responded, then, pointing at the driver I said "We just replaced it because he ripped it out last month!"

The supervisor didn't want to talk to me after that, and the damge was paid for within a week!

[Defensive tactics]

Just happened last night actually

I was about mid way through my LPO shift and I see this older lady (as in 80) eat 7 peanuts I am like you have got to be freaken kidding me, So I follow her to the cash she pays for all her other items except the peanuts, I go outside and wait for her, she steps out I identify my self as store security, she totally ignored me and keeps walking (I am like no way you are going to make me chase you) so I catch up to her and again identify myself as store security she pushes me away with one arm and keeps walking (by this time I had about reached the limits of my patience) so I boxed her in (no contact just body positioning) and once again identified myself as store security, finally she complied and was told to leave property, but Never in a million years would I have imagined an elderly suspect trying to run from me. I thought it to be pretty funny at the time.

stay safe

[N. A. Corbier]

Living in Florida, I quickly learned that the elderly can be some of your most dangerous suspects.

This doesn't count towards funniest thing, because it wasn't that funny, but, here goes.

I was patrolling a condo complex. It was a "drive the golf cart till it dies because maintenance won't charge it, walk around, then get in your car and drive it around." Yes, that was in the unofficial official post orders. Drive your car.

I make a walking pass. This condo was owned by the Chicago Police Officer's Benevolence Assocation. Yep, a retired CPD park in Florida. We had many, many retired LEOs, all of them over 60, and all of them clueless in Florida Law.

I knew one of the guys named Gavin. He was CPD, a nice guy, retired as a detective. Unfortunately, he hit his head when he fell on his wife's had to have tile floor, and was never the same again.

Another officer comes on site in a large, white, Ford F-250. We ride around a bit, it was common for one officer to give "extended coverage" on posts if they had to take care of duty or personal related things. I.e.: Food delivery, talking, or seeing me about how to write a report.

After the second pass, Gavin's wife comes out. She has, and this was not good, a loaded .38 caliber revolver in her hand. She starts yelling, we stop, throw the doors open, identify ourselves, and draw down on her.

Several of the other residents look out, see us in a big truck pointing guns at a woman with a gun, and call 911.

The police arrive, take her into custody, and Gavin is by now awake. He comes out, finds us talking to the cops, his wife in handcuffs, and grabs his shield and is like, "Hey, Nate, what's going on?"

"Gavin, you need to talk to the cops, they're going to take your wife to jail for aggarivated assualt. That's assualt with a weapon."

The police were adamant about taking her, even after Gavin requested PC. They were pissed off because she wouldn't drop her gun even after they showed up!

Eventually, a sergeant arrived, and Gavin, myself, and the other officer asked the sergeant if it can either be dropped with a stern talking to, or ROR her. He chose the ROR route. For "brandishing," not ag. assualt, because conviently forgot where the muzzle was.

Many would ask, "Why didn't you lock the dumb hag up?" And I always answer, "Because the dumb broad's cop husband put his gun and badge in a lock box and never gave her the combo after that."

That's the only time I've given PC to a cop. It wasn't because he was a cop, it was because he was an elderly man who I was friends with, and was a good guy, and his wife (the stupid obessive woman she was), didn't need to go to jail that night. I guarantee you, PC wasn't even on the minds of the Largo Police Department.

They hated responding there, because they'd argue law with the retired Canadian and Chicago folks..

[robvancamp]

N.a....

This doesn't count towards funniest thing, because it wasn't that funny, but, here goes.

You're wrong - that is funny!

[dla4122]

Not Security Enforcement, but ya'll might find this funny

I was running shift when I get a call from "A"-Gate that my officer had an offender detained and he needed a supervisor. I get to the area and my officer tells me he has an offender refusing to be searched. Well I inform the offender he will submit to a search, as it is policy or force may be used. He begins to argue then all of a sudden I see that he starts rubbing his lower area and getting agitated. He finally comes out of his clothes and he had a bag of jalepenos in his pants. The juice had seeped out all over his lower region.
Never had to use force, offender used chemical agents on himself
he was sent to medical and received a disciplinary for theft from the kitchen. Never had him steal anything since.

[1stWatch]

One time at a mall I worked at there was this one weird kid who would walk around all the time wearing black shorts, knee level boots, a goth rock shirt, and a trench coat and wore a pentagram necklace and a Jewish skull cap on his shaved head. He had some bad emotional problems and we had to deal with his issues on numerous occasions. One time we found him crying and beaten up. He claimed somebody had beaten him and his friend up just then while they were smoking pot and robbed them for marijuana. He actually wanted to make a robbery report with the police and told them the same thing.

[irisheyes]

There was one time when I had arrested a female for the theft of some CD's.
this lady threw herself on to the ground and started to take a fit. She was rolling around shaking etc and claimed to be epileptic but as soon as her cell phone rang, she answered hello and spoke in anormal manner to her friend on her phone for a minute but as soon as the conversation had ended on the cell phone this lady continued her "fit" until the police arrived. I stood by and let herself tire out. It was kinda funny.

[angrybrownman]

Funny Toronto LP Stories:

Hey folks:

I am new to this forum, and think the forum is a wonderful idea, I'd like to share some of my favourite and funny stories from 10 years of LP work in Toronto, Ontario Canada.

1. When I first started working in LP, I worked for one of Toronto's busiest, and largest Department store chains. The company flagship store was located at one of the busiest intersections in Toronto. I was working the main floor of a 9 floor store. My fellow investigators had just taken a suspect to the LP office, and I was alone. I wandered into the cosmetics department to chat it up with the women who worked in the department. As I walked in I noticed a male suspect cruising the department, acting really nervous. He approached the fragrance dept. he removed a plastic bag from his pocket, and then reached into his pocket again, and removed something else that he placed in the bag to make it look like it wasn't empty. In the fragrance dept. he proceeded to the CK-1 display and immediately selected and concealed 2 bottles of CK-1 into the plastic bag. Of course he proceeded to the main doors and exited the store. Outside the store I approached him; as soon as he saw me he made a run for it, and now the chase was on. I called for back-up relayed my location and proceeded to chase the suspect across a busy intersection and down another street. I caught up to the suspect and we both began to struggle, in my attempt to arrest the subject I managed to grab the bag with the merchandise inside. I tried to gain control of the subject but he broke free and again the chase was on. As we ran I remembered my radio did not work very well this far away from the store, and the subject was running into a housing project. I decided to cut my losses and proceed back to the store. I looked in the bag, and noticed that not only was my merchandise still in the bag, but the item he had placed in the bag to act as a weight was his wallet, with of course all his ID still inside. He even had a summons to appear in court for another shoplifting charge from earlier in the week. He was charged a short time later.


2. A couple of years later I was still working for the same store, at the same location. The city was under a major alert. The local unions had pledged a day of “Action,” against the Provincial government. In previous years this “Action,” had become very violent. The company had decided to bring in all the LP staff from the surrounding stores, and have them work the flagship store in Downtown Toronto. They were worried if a riot started the store would become a free-for-all. Imagine having a store with 67 LP investigators all on at the same time. As I cruised the store I observed a suspect select and conceal several pairs of “Guess” jeans into a gym bag. He was someone that was fairly well known to LP especially to our company as he had been arrested numerous times before. I called for back-up as he exited because he was known to run. I had all 67 investigators attend for back-up. The suspect when he exited noticed me behind him and several familiar faces from LP investigators that had arrested him in the past in front of him. He had no where to run. The suspect upon exit just fell to his knees, dropped the merchandise and said “Where the F**K did you guys come from.” He never hit any of our stores again.

3. One of my favourite stories again comes from working for the same company. I was in our control room utilizing the pan-tilt CCTV system. I noticed a person whom I had come to know fairly well in the electronics dept. I kept the camera on him for a moment. At this time I observed him select a walkman (Day’s way before IPODS) I watched as this person whom I knew removed the earphones from the package, and placed them into his top shirt pocket. He then placed the rest of the walkman back into the box, and back on the shelf. The subject then began to leave the department and walk towards the exit. I left the control room, and had my partner follow him with the CCTV, as I followed him on foot. I watched him exit, but did not know how to approach him. He was a Toronto Police Officer in uniform. He had attended our store many times to process shoplifters. I stopped him and began to talk to him. I asked him about the earphones. He looked at me smiled and then told me to “f**k off.” I kept talking to him trying not to create a scene. He was becoming more and more verbally abusive and was creating a scene. I think he finally realized he had to come back in as I had requested. The elevator ride back to the office was some what scary I did not know if the officer was going shoot me and run for it. I couldn’t ask him for his weapon. I brought him up to the office and began to read him his rights. My partner had already placed a call to police communications when were just coming up. As I read him his rights, two gentlemen in suits came into the security office identified themselves as detectives and took the officer with them, and left. About ½ hour later I was still trying to figure out what happened when I noticed the officer I had dealt with walking the mall, on duty in uniform.

4. A few years after that incident I was working for another retailer. They had asked me to go to a high theft location for the day and see if a fresh pair of eyes could increase the arrests at that store. Sometime in the early afternoon I noticed a male subject in the store select and conceal several watches into his pant pockets. I waited for him to leave and after passing all points of sale I approached him. He immediately began to fight as I tried to forcefully arrest him. I managed to pin him on the ground and started to cuff his hands. All of a sudden I heard “I wouldn’t do that,” followed by some swearing. I looked up and noticed 3 big guys looking down at me. I was away from the main doors at the time, and kind of hidden from plain sight. I picked up my subject removed the handcuffs, dusted him off and tried to walk away. The subject and his friends began to push me around, tried to get my wallet (left that in the office) roughed me up a bit and then wandered away. Pissed off I went back to the store. I knew by the time I called the police they would be gone. I watched as my subject and the three others joked around in the parking lot. All of a sudden the three friends walked away and my subject was alone in the parking lot. I ran from the store chased him down took some “frustration,” out on him and was in the middle of cuffing him when the police arrived. Someone had seen the commotion and called the police. The police continued the arrest, and discovered he had warrants for his arrest. (He should have left with his friends).


5. Around Christmas, while working for the same company, I received a call from a cashier stating she had been robbed. Raced up to the register and discovered, a customer had walked up to the register and with some toothpaste. When the cashier rang up the sale and totalled the value. The subject passed the cashier some money and when the till opened the subject grabbed all the twenty’s and ran out the door. When the subject first attempted to pay he removed money from his wallet, as he grabbed the money from the till he dropped his wallet on the counter and ran. All of his ID was in his wallet, including conditions for his parole. He had been released from prison recently. He spent the rest of Christmas in jail.

6. Last story: After spending time in this new company, and getting a considerable amount of apprehensions, including some major internal cases, I finally proved to the powers-that-be, I needed a partner. Got a partner who was a little weird, she liked working when I wasn’t working, and did not like being around very many people. I noticed her acting suspicious one day, and decided to watch her. I noticed her pick-up merchandise as she walked that would disappear. The store manager was very excited having two LP in the store, and was really happy at the arrests my partner was making. I attempted to convince my boss something suspicious was happening, but he did not believe it. So one day I set up a camera in the office. My partner brought everything and anything she could get her hands on. Once she brought it into the office she would conceal it onto herself by wearing it, or placing items into her oversized purse. I watched her do this for about 2 weeks, finally got the police to come down and arrest her. The officer that had come had looked at her and said. “I was at your house about a month ago.” She said yes you were. He then said. “I guess you just failed the background investigation.” Turns out she was pretty close to getting on the police force, until I ruined her dreams.

These are some of my favourite stories, will share more in the future.

ABM

[S/O245]

Was she hot lol had to ask sorry

I chased after a shoplifter one time who had a gold necklace. At the start of the chase, she slipped out of her sandals, dropped her purse, and her wig fell off. Halfway into the chase, I grabbed her, but pulled an Alzheimers on proper grappling and ended up grabbing her sleeve instead of her elbow. The one-piece dress she was wearing ripped at the seam, she slipped out of it, and continued to run while wearing bra and panties. I caught back up to her and restrained her properly that time...
We were nice enough to place her torn dress back on her after she was handcuffed.

[S/O245]

on duty at the gas station i pull into the lot and she blood hair and go oh a woman is at the counter woman turns around and is dressed like a girl would on halloween and i thought dang thats one ugly woman lol. Well as the woman got closer to the door i said that aint no woman thats a man lol. his leg hair was showin lol. when i walked in the clerk she goes did u see that lol

Stay Safe All

[HotelSecurity]

Welcome angrybrownman. That store wouldn't happened to be Eat*n's would it? (Or in Québec Eat*n)

[S/O245]

Now why in the world cant i have that on my shift somethin funny like dat. Everyone else gets it but me, should i cry lol j/k.

Stay Safe All

I've had 2 stark naked prostitutes! It seems the escort agencies have advised them if they get into trouble to run out into the hallway & start yelling. Someone will call security. They do!

[Eric]

Supervisor :Here is your pay, don't spend it all in one place....
Me :

[treetop]

I had a "non-shopper" that was asked to leave by one of my officers. He was verbally abusive and I came out and backed up the officer and asked him to leave the premises. He escalated his verbal abuse and punched a mall directory, i.e. was generally disruptive. I had the luxury of an option of notifying an off duty police officer that I hired for the property. By the time some of my staff and the nutcase were out in the parking lot, he retrieved a pipe he had hidden behind a parking stop, and was waving it at my staff and I while issuing threats. The police officer arrived and gave him one chance to leave. He declined, at which time he was told he was under arrest. He backed away from the officer, so I grabbed him and wrestled around, as the officer was attempting to handcuff him, unsuccessfully. We wound up in a position where I had him in a bear hug from behind, there was another security officer behind me, and another behind him. The police officer decided he needed to be maced, so when he took the mace out and aimed it - I ducked, the bad guy ducked, the officer behind me ducked, but I guess you can guess what happened to the last security officer in line - he forgot to duck! He was maced full-on in the face. We transported him to an eye wash station laying down in the back of an extended golf-cart. He was screaming, "I've been hit!! I've been hit!". You had to be there, but it was very funny and I could hear the music from the Benny Hill show in my mind. I later told the guard, "hey Bob, you forgot to duck!"

[FDG06]

..had to break up a fight between a 1 legged man against a 1 armed man..they were fighting over a 1 eyed lady (she had a glass eye, but still..)..100% true story!
I sill cant help but laugh my ass off, when I recall the whole scene.
Yoda